Awake!

"Then the Lord God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature." ~ Genesis 2:7 ~

"The Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of Almighty gives me life." 

~ Job 33:4 ~

I am free. I write because I am ME.  I choose not to compare. Good things come from choosing joy. I am learning to be myself. I breathe. In and out. I pause to breathe in, and the air feels cool. As I exhale, the breath feels warm. Calm washes over me. I am God's child, and He is pleased with me. Not because of what I do. But because of I AM. God IS here. Now. With me. In this present moment, I am enough, because He is enough IN me.

My joy well! My choice!

If I never get the chance to see my writing published, never get the thrill of having my words become bound and set for all time and ages, I am still ME. I am free. I am awake and alive. My soul has been set free. When you look at me, I want the joy to reach my smile. To light up my eyes and become the very real connection that says to you, "I care. I see you. I understand."

I can share joy because I have KNOWN the depth of pain. I have felt the choking misery of fear and defeat as anxiety and panic have torn at me, from the inside out. Those things are ugly. They threaten to steal joy. God has taken hold of me and redeemed me. I have a story to share. A footprint in the sand that is unique. I choose to open my hands, fling wide the door to my heart, and say,

"God, whatever You will, have Your way."

We took our oldest to a Chris Tomlin concert last month.  It was a triple birthday celebration between Hannah, Matthew, and me. We made a trip of it, spending the afternoon and evening together in Seattle. I felt reflective that day.It has been 5 years since her birth.

I have felt the weight of that time with both joy and pain. Just looking at her sweet little face, her smile, her heart for Jesus, and I melt like butter on warm toast....the joy of motherhood. There are thoughts that also come at me, threaten to overtake me. Why her? Why that first pregnancy and not the others? What was the purpose of that panic, God? A pattern of pain starts with one single snare. If there is but one small rip in the rug, when you tug on it, even just a little, the whole is weakened and the fabric starts to unravel. Bit. By. Fragile. Bit.  God says to me,

"I am at work! Have faith! This is for My glory!"

I have known the joy that is born from pain. I gave birth to 3 beautiful children, grew them in my own body, had 3 different experiences but known God all the same. He was there for every ripping panic attack that threatened to tear the very life from me and my little girl inside of me in that first pregnancy. He saw. He breathed. We are because He is I AM.

I watched my girl DANCE that night. There is NOTHING like seeing the sweet, innocent purity of your almost 5 year old big/little girl raise her "on the verge of losing their little dimpled" hands in unashamed praise to her Father in Heaven.  We knew all the songs.  We belted them out and I was challenged to raise my own hands in praise. There is no shame in worshiping your Creator, no matter how old or young you are.

I am learning that to know and experience true joy, you sometimes have to experience deep sorrow and sadness. At that concert, a truth came to me so clearly. I closed my eyes, and in that moment, I felt free. I sensed God speaking to my soul,

"Daughter, I am healing you. You can trust me."

Have you read that passage of Scripture where Jesus spits on the ground, makes some mud with the saliva, and places it on the blind man's eyes? You can read the whole story in John 9. As I stood there that night, arms open, palms up to my Father, I felt like He was placing mud over my spiritual eyes and allowing me to "see" things new again. He tells me that I can walk in faith and freedom. I can trust Him with my life, my family, my future. I can trust Him now.

I AM is here with me. He has been here all along. I feel awakened.....renewed.

God is here, in our midst. Has your life taken a turn that you never thought possible? Are you at your own impasse? Do you also need to rediscover joy? May He whisper to your heart,

 "I am healing you. You can trust Me."

Believe with me and let your childlike faith soar. Cry out: 

Arms open, my soul! Awake!!