Wednesday, April 1, 2020

Teacher Down! Crumbs on the Floor...I Repeat.....

I was in my classroom on a Friday afternoon in February, gearing up for the next school week, doing what I know how to do. Switching the daily schedule over to Monday, changing the classroom jobs, making copies, writing emails.......Wash, rinse, repeat. So many systems done in the classroom, especially if you've been teaching for any length of time, become somewhat methodical...like 2nd nature. Little did I realize that I would have so few Fridays like this in my classroom before our whole lives would be turned upside down. I was looking forward to the weekend......time home to rest and relax with my family before a new cycle of school tasks began.

Fast forward a few Fridays, to a mid-March day, Friday the 13th, to be exact. I glanced out the classroom window to snow falling (!!??). Unusual for this time of year in the PNW, I thought! I knew it was coming.......the governor had ordered all schools to be closed for 6 weeks, starting the upcoming Tuesday. The Covid-19 pandemic felt like it was closing in on us. My teammates and I rushed to prepare a packet of work for our sweet 2nd graders, trying to find things to help them stay updated on their learning during their time at home. Sweat beaded on my brow at free choice, as I stuffed packet after packet, back hurting, willing myself to get it all done before my students left for the weekend. What if they didn't come back on Monday? I have to get this done now!! I thought. Alas, as fate would have it, that was to be our last school day anyway.

The hallways are now closed to staff and students. A country-wide stay at home order is now in effect. We were allowed to go in to our classrooms for 30 minutes to pick up materials and items we may need to teach remotely. I'm honestly still trying to process it all, as so many of us are. I'm staying positive as much as possible, reading my Bible, working out, spending time with my family.......and yet there is this nagging fear that keeps me awake at night and threatens to swallow the joy I've worked so very hard to cling to......Will the God of hope fill me with all joy and peace, even as I break??........

The familiar pangs of anxiety found me once again.......unexpectedly and at lightning speed......it knocked the breath out of my lungs and sent me flat on the floor, face pressed to cold wood laminate......

Let's back up to the night before. As a mom, I struggle to balance my home and work life right now. The sleep schedules of my children are completely off, and their own emotional needs have been higher lately as well. Their worlds, their feeling of normalcy, have also come crashing down. It was after a particularly late night with one of our kiddos, consoling worries, praying for peace and sleep to find us, that I awoke to an early morning teacher leadership meeting. Sleepy eyed, coffee in hand, I staggered into the dining room to join my teammates for what had become our weekly online meet up. I was fine then, smiling, going through the motions, answering the right questions, nodding and laughing when something was funny. I got on another team call and started feeling a little bit off as we planned upcoming work for our 2nd graders. I attempted to hold back a torrent of tears then, and some still spilled out. I felt a little better, then realizing that I had not taken care of the lunch needs of myself or my family. Another call loomed 10 minutes away, and I could hold on no more.

Then the wave washed over me.......the sharp pangs in my chest, where anxiety hits me the most......the strange gasping for breath, the ugly crying......suddenly I found myself face down on the floor, under our dining room table. I opened my eyes to slow my breathing, only to mutter with disgust at the crumbs all around me. How long has it been since this floor has been swept? Ugh! What am I doing down here? Get a hold of yourself, girl!!! I became increasingly aware of and grateful for the Zoom call feature of mic off, camera off, because it wasn't pretty, folks!! The guy on the call was saying all this wonderful stuff about online teaching, and how we would interact with our students in a whole new way, and yet my mind, body, and heart were on the floor grieving all the Fridays we were missing in the classroom. The face-to-face interactions with my students, the hugs, smiles, encouragement as the light bulb goes on. This time of year is the sweet spot in teaching......that time when many of my students "come alive" with hope and new-found purpose. The reading begins to click, the confidence awakens, and their little brains explode with knowledge and wonder.

This was supposed to be our week of student-led spring conferences, I whispered, not some out of body experience of learning how to teach online!!

So, I mustered up the courage to pick myself up off of that cold dining room floor. I uttered a prayer, a cry for help, and I sensed God whispering, Cease striving to my heart. Could I, in that moment, get real and honest about my grief, acknowledging my feelings, and allowing them to shape me into my purpose and calling? I KNOW this to be true. I have had conversation after conversation, email, call, text after text with other teacher friends who are feeling the same way!

My vulnerability allowed me to be brave, to access a joy deep down in the well that God has been calling me to. I've known for quite some time that God has called me to be an everyday encourager, an inspiration initiator.....born out of the depths of my own struggle. I offer #ichoosejoy to you because I understand this struggle. I am pulled by a deep desire to be back in front of my class once again, looking into their faces for read aloud time. For now, I press play on my camera, and read Magic Tree House books over videos, realizing my students and families are also scared and in uncharted territory. Seeing a familiar face and smile is calming during a storm.

For now, I'll get up off of the floor, brush those crumbs off, grab a broom and call for one of my kiddos to sweep up the pieces, evidence of life swirling all around us.......we are healthy and well. We will get through this together, even as we remain apart.

Reach out to me or to another friend or relative when you start to struggle. You are not alone........I repeat.......you are not alone!!!

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