Is this really the way I want to live? I have been reflecting so much these last few weeks especially. The end of January marked the 8 year anniversary of my trek across the country from Florida to Washington....saying goodbye to my childhood and embarking on the journey of a lifetime. Some called me crazy, others wished me well, but it was I who would have no idea that this journey would lead me closer to the Light than ever before. With fists clenched tightly, all I was left to do was to hold in my brokenness, unwilling to offer it up and live a life of freedom. Have you ever found yourself there, my friend? Wanting so badly for a new beginning, but hearing the call of the past or the lies of the enemy so deafening that you almost feel like covering your ears to shield yourself from the noise?
Reflecting on my first pregnancy, I remember myself lying in a hospital bed, plagued by nausea, anxiety, and panic, fists clenched tightly, wondering "God, where are you?? Please don't leave me now This is not what I thought it would be!!" There is a song that speaks to me so clearly and I want to share it with you. In those moments of anger and frustration, when I would cry out to God that the life I had envisioned for myself was falling to pieces with each wave of panic, each bout of nausea, I would listen to an artist who calls herself Plumb. I would play a simple hymn, a lullaby, over and over, called "God Will Take Care of You". It would be 5 years later that I would hear this next song and remember...a gift, a blessing...a life saved...palms opened up to receive God's gifts and blessings in the ways that He would see fit....not in my own feeble understanding.
I share that new song now with you.
Plumb - Need You Now
Could it be that the dreams we hold so tightly to are really not ours to hold? That there are joys and blessings right in front of us, waiting for us to enjoy and be thankful for, even in the midst of such pain and grief? I have a file in my email account that I titled "New Beginnings" years ago. In it I have written milestones of God's faithfulness since I started this journey toward new beginnings and a fresh start.
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| My New Beginnings ring |
Out of that pain, God brought me such a gift in my oldest daughter, Hannah Marie, who will turn 5 this coming May. She is full of life and energy.
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| My sweet Hannah Marie and me |
So what do you say to the friend who has lost her little one just hours or days after giving birth? The friend who tells you she has had a miscarriage....what do you say? How do you live with palms outstretched instead of fists clenched tightly? To truly live out this verse:
"The Lord is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1
I started reading a book by Ann Voskamp called "One Thousand Gifts". It has honestly changed my life. I read it over this past month at any spare moment I could find! In one chapter called "Empty to fill" that inspired my thinking on this topic, Ann shared from her heart. I am going to include some of my favorite parts:
"I see right through to what I am. Only self can kill joy.....
joy is a flame that glimmers only in the palm of the open and humble hand. In an open and humble palm, released and surrendered to receive, light dances, flickers happy. The moment the hand is clenched tight, fingers all pointing toward self and rights and demands, joy is snuffed out.
Anger is the lid that suffocates joy until she lies limp, lifeless...pride, mine--that beast that pulls on the mask of anger--- this is what snaps the hand shut, crushes joy...dare I ask what I think I deserve? A life of material comfort? A life free of all trials, all hardship, all suffering? A life with no discomfort, no inconveniences? Are there times that a sense of entitlement--expectations--is what inflates self, detonates anger, offends God, extinguishes joy?.... I can feel it tight: I'm responding miserably to the gift of this moment. In fact, I'm refusing it. Proudly refusing to accept this moment, dismissing it as no gift at all, I refuse God...Why is this eucharisteo (a word meaning joy, thanksgiving in all things) always so hard?...I had thought joy's flame needed protecting...these angers...this desire to control, I had thought I had to snap the hand closed to shield joy's fragile frame from the blasts. In a storm of struggles, I had tried to control the elements, clasp the fist tight so as to protect self and happiness. But palms curled into protective fists fill with darkness. ..My own wild desire to protect my joy at all costs is the exact force that kills my joy. Flames need oxygen to light. Flames need a bit of wind....humbly let go. Let go of trying to do, let go of trying to control...let go of my own way, let go of my own fears. Let God blow His wind, His trials, oxygen for joy's fire. Leave the hand open and be. Be at peace. Bend the knee and be small and let God give what God chooses to give because He only gives love and whisper surprised thanks.This is the fuel for joy's flame. Fullness of joy is discovered only in the emptying of will..I am empty because I am full of His love. I can trust. I can let go....joy--it's always obedience." -Ann Voskamp writes almost daily at www.aholyexperience.com
This is my journey. I am willing to be open. I am counting the simple joys these days...palms outstretched, willing for God to use my story to encourage you as so many have done for me. Thanks to those who have encouraged and inspired me along the way, who have stood in the gap when I did not have the strength or the courage to stand on my own. To my Father who loves me enough not to shield me always from the pain of this life, but to hold my hand, sometimes scoop me up, and walk me through it. This one's for You. <3
Love this! Thank you for sharing. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing my beautiful friend.
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