Go ahead. . . HOPE!

I originally intended for this to be my first entry, but I am going to trust God with this post, that I am finishing it at just the right time. Thank you for reading my entries! I find writing to be a healing outlet for me, and I am excited to share my journey with you!

As I have thought about what I want to write, I have often found myself holding back, wondering who will read this, and if they will care or relate.  I have finally been able to offer myself, where I am, with my writing laid bare, an expression of who I am. I am ready to hope. I am ready to dream again….not to hold so tightly to my life, and to surrender. It is in the spirit of that offering that I take you on a flashback.

I picture myself at 21. I remember the journal I got that year from my college roommates…..the beautiful, thick, spiral-bound journal that would only take me a year to fill.  Now, in the light of my almost (gulp) 31 year old self, I reflect. How is it possible that 10 years have passed since I turned 21? Life seems to stretch out far and wide at that age, like a blank canvas, just waiting for color, shape, and form. I suppose that dark mixes with the light, to add depth and dimension. I stare at a photo I pasted in that same journal from the very year. My roommates and I were outside on a rare Western Tennessee snow day. I smile now as I imagine my perspective at the time. It was really my first snow day since leaving my FL home at 18. 

Flashback to Tennessee!

I see myself there with my lifelong friends, walking along campus in my new winter coat and cute, trendy cap. The amount of snow is nothing compared to the feet of snow falling on Mt. Rainier, but to me at the time, it was perfect; A stamp of joy on my life’s journey.

Now, in the light of the recent elementary school shooting, my heart whispers a prayer:

“Oh God of ages past, present time, You who hold the future. I cannot bear to look at the images... the loss of life, the innocent children, and the hearts of families who are aching and wondering why, this senseless tragedy.  My heart longs for heaven and yet in the here and now I pause.”  

To cry over the counselor's note to elementary students in my class telling parents how to talk to their kids about what happened. My tears make the page blurry as I read under the bullet "Your child is safe at Alpac" and wonder is that true...are they? Am I?  I am only safe in my salvation. I pray for each child in my class while they are in P.E. the day I learned the horrific news.I placed that note in each of their backpacks.  The question a friend told me that God is asking her echoes strong in my heart....am I willing, God? Am I willing to surrender? For You to work? To let go? To stop trying to figure out why, HOW I will fix all of the things, situations, and relationships in my life or this world that have gone or are going wrong.  I pause. I wonder. I long for heaven. It is okay to cry. The tears fall.

My heart is learning to live freely, one moment at a time….listening more for the voice of Jesus than the loud crashing of the enemy. I long for the surrender. I sit at the feet of Jesus, and I offer myself--right here, where I am, with the thoughts of my past….the sadness.  Replace them, Lord, with the healing and the forward motion of surrender. I don't know where You will lead me, but I will let You. Go ahead. HOPE.