Teacher Down! Crumbs on the Floor...I Repeat.....

I was in my classroom on a Friday afternoon in February, gearing up for the next school week, doing what I know how to do. Switching the daily schedule over to Monday, changing the classroom jobs, making copies, writing emails.......Wash, rinse, repeat. So many systems done in the classroom, especially if you've been teaching for any length of time, become somewhat methodical...like 2nd nature. Little did I realize that I would have so few Fridays like this in my classroom before our whole lives would be turned upside down. I was looking forward to the weekend......time home to rest and relax with my family before a new cycle of school tasks began.

Fast forward a few Fridays, to a mid-March day, Friday the 13th, to be exact. I glanced out the classroom window to snow falling (!!??). Unusual for this time of year in the PNW, I thought! I knew it was coming.......the governor had ordered all schools to be closed for 6 weeks, starting the upcoming Tuesday. The Covid-19 pandemic felt like it was closing in on us. My teammates and I rushed to prepare a packet of work for our sweet 2nd graders, trying to find things to help them stay updated on their learning during their time at home. Sweat beaded on my brow at free choice, as I stuffed packet after packet, back hurting, willing myself to get it all done before my students left for the weekend. What if they didn't come back on Monday? I have to get this done now!! I thought. Alas, as fate would have it, that was to be our last school day anyway.

The hallways are now closed to staff and students. A country-wide stay at home order is now in effect. We were allowed to go in to our classrooms for 30 minutes to pick up materials and items we may need to teach remotely. I'm honestly still trying to process it all, as so many of us are. I'm staying positive as much as possible, reading my Bible, working out, spending time with my family.......and yet there is this nagging fear that keeps me awake at night and threatens to swallow the joy I've worked so very hard to cling to......Will the God of hope fill me with all joy and peace, even as I break??........

The familiar pangs of anxiety found me once again.......unexpectedly and at lightning speed......it knocked the breath out of my lungs and sent me flat on the floor, face pressed to cold wood laminate......

Let's back up to the night before. As a mom, I struggle to balance my home and work life right now. The sleep schedules of my children are completely off, and their own emotional needs have been higher lately as well. Their worlds, their feeling of normalcy, have also come crashing down. It was after a particularly late night with one of our kiddos, consoling worries, praying for peace and sleep to find us, that I awoke to an early morning teacher leadership meeting. Sleepy eyed, coffee in hand, I staggered into the dining room to join my teammates for what had become our weekly online meet up. I was fine then, smiling, going through the motions, answering the right questions, nodding and laughing when something was funny. I got on another team call and started feeling a little bit off as we planned upcoming work for our 2nd graders. I attempted to hold back a torrent of tears then, and some still spilled out. I felt a little better, then realizing that I had not taken care of the lunch needs of myself or my family. Another call loomed 10 minutes away, and I could hold on no more.

Then the wave washed over me.......the sharp pangs in my chest, where anxiety hits me the most......the strange gasping for breath, the ugly crying......suddenly I found myself face down on the floor, under our dining room table. I opened my eyes to slow my breathing, only to mutter with disgust at the crumbs all around me. How long has it been since this floor has been swept? Ugh! What am I doing down here? Get a hold of yourself, girl!!! I became increasingly aware of and grateful for the Zoom call feature of mic off, camera off, because it wasn't pretty, folks!! The guy on the call was saying all this wonderful stuff about online teaching, and how we would interact with our students in a whole new way, and yet my mind, body, and heart were on the floor grieving all the Fridays we were missing in the classroom. The face-to-face interactions with my students, the hugs, smiles, encouragement as the light bulb goes on. This time of year is the sweet spot in teaching......that time when many of my students "come alive" with hope and new-found purpose. The reading begins to click, the confidence awakens, and their little brains explode with knowledge and wonder.

This was supposed to be our week of student-led spring conferences, I whispered, not some out of body experience of learning how to teach online!!

So, I mustered up the courage to pick myself up off of that cold dining room floor. I uttered a prayer, a cry for help, and I sensed God whispering, Cease striving to my heart. Could I, in that moment, get real and honest about my grief, acknowledging my feelings, and allowing them to shape me into my purpose and calling? I KNOW this to be true. I have had conversation after conversation, email, call, text after text with other teacher friends who are feeling the same way!

My vulnerability allowed me to be brave, to access a joy deep down in the well that God has been calling me to. I've known for quite some time that God has called me to be an everyday encourager, an inspiration initiator.....born out of the depths of my own struggle. I offer #ichoosejoy to you because I understand this struggle. I am pulled by a deep desire to be back in front of my class once again, looking into their faces for read aloud time. For now, I press play on my camera, and read Magic Tree House books over videos, realizing my students and families are also scared and in uncharted territory. Seeing a familiar face and smile is calming during a storm.

For now, I'll get up off of the floor, brush those crumbs off, grab a broom and call for one of my kiddos to sweep up the pieces, evidence of life swirling all around us.......we are healthy and well. We will get through this together, even as we remain apart.

Reach out to me or to another friend or relative when you start to struggle. You are not alone........I repeat.......you are not alone!!!

Truth in the Struggle

I did all the good things....at once.
Get engaged to love of life, check!
Graduate from college, check!
Cross Country move, check!
Begin teaching career, check!
Get married, check!
First 2nd grade classroom, check!
Pregnant with first child, check!!

Then came the overwhelming anxiety, nausea, and depression. Like an unwelcome dark cloud over a sunshiny day, there it was. Nothing could take it away. It had to be gone through, lived out day by day. The scars, the pain, it stays with you, a PTSD of the heart that swoops in again without warning. The meds, the prayers, the counseling....I could NOT do life without my community!! Have you had a similar experience? Anxiety and depression do not care who you are. They will overtake you without warning. It's not a topic discussed openly, and it comes back even with all the supports in place. AND we still need each other. Please know beyond a shadow of a doubt that on your darkest day, hour, and moment, you are loved, wanted, needed. Please stay here and fight for you. The good and bad. It's all worthy of time on this planet. I wrote this poem after a dark day. I hope it blesses you!

I didn't know how scared I'd feel
To let the Light shine in
I wasn't sure I'd counted the cost
To "be myself", and then...

The darkness came, of stifling depths
The struggle was real to breathe
The fears, the loss, heartaches great and small.
This path known as "anxiety".

The current was strong
A glimpse of joy broke free
Still I'm straining to see past
The shadows, of life
That truly belongs to me.

A healing road...a path...a plight
Comes to reach out and up,
Speak the truth,
Feel the light.

Be real, let them see
That healing takes time
And I claim, "BE SET FREE!"
By the truth that is mine!!

~Rebecca Joy Bunker

"I've got the Joy, joy joy, joy
Down in my heart.
Down in my heart,
Down in my heart.

I've got the Joy, joy joy, joy
Down in my heart.
Down in my heart,
To Stay!!!

Choosing JOY...A Mom Like You

Hello friends!

There's been a lot of talk lately about laundry piles, and I remembered this poem I wrote back when Hailey Joy was a baby. I had 2 young girls at the time and postpartum knocked me down. Your body, mind, and spirit take a toll going through pregnancy, labor, delivery, and then caring for your young children, and it's okay to need time to heal. I brought this poem back out because I thought maybe another mom needs to read this. To encourage you, mamas. Deep breaths, reach out, and up. You matter. You are valued. You are loved. The well of JOY runs deep. You have to dip deeper to find your gifts in the darkness, but I promise you it is SO worth the effort. There is HOPE!

 Hannah at age 2 and Hailey at around 6 months 

Pumpkin Picking Time, Fall 2010 around the time I wrote the following poem:

A Mom Like You

From one very active toddler

Hugs and kisses, mommy's girl

To a newborn, oh so tiny

Welcome to my crazy world.

Should I put on my smile

To show I'm okay?

Go through the motions

In the busy, hectic days?

There's crayon marks

On my kitchen floor

Sticky fingerprints to be

Wiped off the doors.

Piles of laundry on the sofa

Dirty dishes in the sink

Put a smile on in the pictures

Show them what they want, I think...

Or...Maybe I'm a mom like you

Who wants the best for my kids, too

A comforting smile to see me thru

the tough times 'till the sun shines through

 Now back to work

I'm barely hanging on

I gasp for breath

And find it nearly gone.

Reaching up my hands

 I find my God there

 I ask Him to hear and

Answer my tear-filled prayers.

Because maybe I'm a mom like you

Who wants the best for her kids, too.

A comforting smile to see me thru

The tough times 'till the sun shines through.

There's a new kind of normal

In my life these days

 Filled with sorrow and sweetness

 Each one coming in waves.

Being careful to savor

Each moment in time

With these little loves

Now entrusted to mine.

I do believe I am a mom like you;

Learning to hold on, AND letting go, too...

 Sincerely, Rebecca

Fall 2010

My life now: 4 kiddos ranging from ages 11-3. My sweeties, my hope for the future. Carry on, mamas! There is wonderful hope in this perfectly imperfect life!

Awake!

"Then the Lord God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature." ~ Genesis 2:7 ~

"The Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of Almighty gives me life." 

~ Job 33:4 ~

I am free. I write because I am ME.  I choose not to compare. Good things come from choosing joy. I am learning to be myself. I breathe. In and out. I pause to breathe in, and the air feels cool. As I exhale, the breath feels warm. Calm washes over me. I am God's child, and He is pleased with me. Not because of what I do. But because of I AM. God IS here. Now. With me. In this present moment, I am enough, because He is enough IN me.

My joy well! My choice!

If I never get the chance to see my writing published, never get the thrill of having my words become bound and set for all time and ages, I am still ME. I am free. I am awake and alive. My soul has been set free. When you look at me, I want the joy to reach my smile. To light up my eyes and become the very real connection that says to you, "I care. I see you. I understand."

I can share joy because I have KNOWN the depth of pain. I have felt the choking misery of fear and defeat as anxiety and panic have torn at me, from the inside out. Those things are ugly. They threaten to steal joy. God has taken hold of me and redeemed me. I have a story to share. A footprint in the sand that is unique. I choose to open my hands, fling wide the door to my heart, and say,

"God, whatever You will, have Your way."

We took our oldest to a Chris Tomlin concert last month.  It was a triple birthday celebration between Hannah, Matthew, and me. We made a trip of it, spending the afternoon and evening together in Seattle. I felt reflective that day.It has been 5 years since her birth.

I have felt the weight of that time with both joy and pain. Just looking at her sweet little face, her smile, her heart for Jesus, and I melt like butter on warm toast....the joy of motherhood. There are thoughts that also come at me, threaten to overtake me. Why her? Why that first pregnancy and not the others? What was the purpose of that panic, God? A pattern of pain starts with one single snare. If there is but one small rip in the rug, when you tug on it, even just a little, the whole is weakened and the fabric starts to unravel. Bit. By. Fragile. Bit.  God says to me,

"I am at work! Have faith! This is for My glory!"

I have known the joy that is born from pain. I gave birth to 3 beautiful children, grew them in my own body, had 3 different experiences but known God all the same. He was there for every ripping panic attack that threatened to tear the very life from me and my little girl inside of me in that first pregnancy. He saw. He breathed. We are because He is I AM.

I watched my girl DANCE that night. There is NOTHING like seeing the sweet, innocent purity of your almost 5 year old big/little girl raise her "on the verge of losing their little dimpled" hands in unashamed praise to her Father in Heaven.  We knew all the songs.  We belted them out and I was challenged to raise my own hands in praise. There is no shame in worshiping your Creator, no matter how old or young you are.

I am learning that to know and experience true joy, you sometimes have to experience deep sorrow and sadness. At that concert, a truth came to me so clearly. I closed my eyes, and in that moment, I felt free. I sensed God speaking to my soul,

"Daughter, I am healing you. You can trust me."

Have you read that passage of Scripture where Jesus spits on the ground, makes some mud with the saliva, and places it on the blind man's eyes? You can read the whole story in John 9. As I stood there that night, arms open, palms up to my Father, I felt like He was placing mud over my spiritual eyes and allowing me to "see" things new again. He tells me that I can walk in faith and freedom. I can trust Him with my life, my family, my future. I can trust Him now.

I AM is here with me. He has been here all along. I feel awakened.....renewed.

God is here, in our midst. Has your life taken a turn that you never thought possible? Are you at your own impasse? Do you also need to rediscover joy? May He whisper to your heart,

 "I am healing you. You can trust Me."

Believe with me and let your childlike faith soar. Cry out: 

Arms open, my soul! Awake!!

Five Minute Friday: Rest

I admit it. I have started anticipating Friday for another reason now. Not just because this day signals the beginning of the weekend, but because I am excited to see the topic for Five Minute Friday! I'm going to give it a try again this week! As soon as I saw the topic, I thought of this verse:

"Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, 

and I will give you rest.'"

Matthew 11:28

In the midst of the crazy sting of life, this is where I come to Him...

START:

I would LOVE to rest on a warm beach right now. To hear the water lapping against the shore, to see that Atlantic Ocean meet the skyline, stretching out endlessly in front of me.  To close my eyes and push my toes deeper into the heat of the Florida sand, to breathe in that salty sea air, feeling that mixture of hot sun and cool breeze spread across me....radiating from the inside out.  I grew up there.  For 18 years of my life. The ebb and flow of time and reality weighs heavy on my heart and soul, but when I close my eyes, I seek rest by the tropical sea. That place is as much a part of me as where I now live.  

In contrast, I can also close my eyes and picture myself at the base of Mount Rainier, sky filled with the vast beauty of that majestic mountain. I am there with my journal, in the middle of a field of flowers, writing poems and prayers, and I am captivated by the beauty and stillness.  I can almost hear the faint sound of a waterfall in the distance. Please don't interrupt me when I go to that place.

I go there to seek God. I cannot physically go to either of those places as often as I would like.  The clatter of dishes or the banging of little feet, the honking of a car horn or the stinging words spoken out of anger in this world around me interrupt the rest...life is spinning and swirling so fast that at times I can hardly catch my breath....yet when I close my eyes, my friends, I can GO there.  I can choose to close my eyes and create a mental image of the rest I so desperately seek, to breathe in the presence of God like the oxygen my body so desperately needs for life. 

I need You, God. You are my everything.  When the pressures of life come raging against me, when that water seems stormy or the mountains threaten to fall, You are there. I lift my hands, I close my eyes, and I SEEK You.  I fall hard into Your arms. As I open my eyes, the needs remain.  They press in, almost mocking, taunting me to crumble, yet my eyes are on You.  Help me, God!  THANK You for the rest You bring!

STOP

Do you want to link up and try this Five Minute Friday thing with me?  Here's where you can get started:

Lisa-Jo Baker's Five Minute Friday

Five Minute Friday: Home

Here I am again! I loved writing the 5 minute Friday from last week so much that I am giving it a try again.  Here it is...honest and unscripted.  I am enjoying the people I encounter along the way.  We are all seeking and searching in this crazy life.  Thanks for stopping by my site! Give it a try for yourself soon!  Head over to Lisa Jo Baker's blog and connect with others on this journey of writing and authentic living. I am so glad I did! 5 minute Friday..the "How To"

START

Home is where I hang my heart.

When I came to Washington 9 years ago for the first time, as soon as that plane landed, I felt like I had come "home".  I saw those evergreen trees, and I was completely taken. I have been building my life here these 8 years since I packed up my childhood and moved across the country.

Home is my resting place, where I can let down my guard, wear pajamas and no make up, hear my husband chasing my girls around the house, listening to their squeals of delight.

Home can also be a place where I hide. I push aside my piles of laundry. I take them upstairs to my bedroom and throw them in a pile on the floor so that when you come over, you will not "see" that and judge the messes as I imagine you would.  That is pretty superficial, isn't it?  To assume that when you come to see me, that you would judge my "home" by its outward beauty instead of the love and warmth inside.

I beat myself up over the mess. I want it to go away, but I am too tired from running around and stepping over the toys of little ones, drained from a full day of work and learning to live this crazy life to consider really organizing my home.  Instead I stuff and stow away, hoping that when you come over you will not ask or need to visit those places where I hide my mess.  This was not as happy of a post as I would like, but it is the honest truth of where I am.

I want to hang my heart on this home of mine, to allow peace free reign, where I can learn to organize my chaos for myself, to learn to be myself again in this home of mine. To smile and allow it to reach my eyes once again. If you stop by, I can't hide the mess anymore.  This is simply me. Not where I want to be but striving for more.

STOP

Five minute Friday: Ordinary

Okay....I know it is not Friday. It is Sunday afternoon. consider this my first attempt, my dry run if you will at this concept of "Five minute Friday". I have been following Lisa Jo Baker's blog this past year. Check it out when you have a chance!  You will be blessed!  Lisa Jo Baker - The Gypsy Mama  I had started feeling like my ordinary moments were just that...plain old ordinary living. I love connecting with my far away friends through words and photos.  I love finding real and authentic people willing to step out on a limb and share the truth of who they really are...flaws and all.  This author admits to having cheerios on her floor, to losing her cool with her kids at times, and for loving her life and Lord with a passion that is so very inspiring.  Some of my friends from college have linked up with Lisa Jo's 5 minute Friday blog. I have been wanting to give it a try. They are also busy mamas and are my source of inspiration for trying this out. There are a few rules. I decided to try it this afternoon. I set a timer for 5 minutes and just wrote. Here's what came from my 5 minutes "on the clock". Enjoy! :)

Start:

Is it so ordinary...this life of mine?

I strive for so many things.  I want to be a good wife, mommy, teacher, and friend.

Is it so ordinary, that I traveled across the country to marry the love of my life 8 years ago?

That I would leave home and family of origin to start a life of my own?

Ordinary life becomes extraordinary when held out as a blessing. An offering.  A miracle in the making.

A life so bold and beautiful may feel ordinary in the mundane activities of the day, but when the layers are peeled back, it is the ordinary moments that transform a lifetime into something great.

Many ordinary moments all strung together form a beautiful necklace of faith, hope, and purpose.  I think about the "ordinary" beads of life I am stringing right now.  That race against time in the mornings to get myself up, dressed, baby fed, girls up, dressed, fed, and out the door with all the right materials to be successful in their day at Grandma's house.  The way I care for my second graders in more ways than just their academic needs.  Someone needs a shoe tied, a listening ear.  Their grandmother has passed away.  They miss their mom.  I teach life lessons as well as book learning.  These are my ordinary moments.  I love them.  I am starting to see them as blessings and not dread the future with worry.  The next ordinary moments will be strung on my life's necklace too.  I wonder how many more miracles are in store for me in the disguise of ordinary living.......

Stop.  

Five Minute Friday: Ordinary

My Dear Single Sisters

My Dear Single Sisters,

This post is tender and heartfelt. I see you. I have great sensitivity toward your struggle. I know that your heart is good. I know how you ache to have the life and family you have always dreamed of, how it often feels beyond your grasp.  You gaze around at your friends and family members who are dating or are already married.  You feel happy for them, but there is a part of your heart that feels slighted.  You wonder when it will be your turn.  You work so hard at being patient, staying busy, becoming the woman of purpose that you know God is calling you to be. You spend time serving, working, taking care of yourself, and praying for that unknown love that you hope and pray God will send to you.  But...in the back of your mind you wonder. You feel a sense of urgency and panic. You shake your fist and call out, "God, is there really someone out there for me?  Am I taking the right steps in the meantime? Is this preparation some kind of cruel joke?  Every time I open my heart to the possibility of someone, the hope gets snatched away."  Has this ever applied to you?

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, 

but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

~Proverbs 13:12~

I looked up the meaning of the word "deferred" and I found these definitions:

• Postponed or delayed
• Withheld until a future date

Does your heart feel sick with wonder and worry about the future of your hopes and dreams? Those ones you guard close to your heart? I honor your commitment to Christ. I want to encourage you that He sees each freshly fallen tear that falls to your pillow on those lonely nights when you ache to hold or be held by another, to grow old with someone and share your love through your children, when your arms long to hold your own babies in your arms.  When sometimes it feels like your own biological clock is ticking so loudly, you have to cover your ears or bury yourself in busyness to get away from it.  This letter is for you, my sisters. These are words that I felt deep in my soul during my single years. I share them now with you:

"My love,

I long to hold you.  Will you come to Me? I will hear and heal your heart. I catch each fallen tear.

I know you don't understand what I am doing.  You feel like life has dealt you such an unfair blow. You wonder if you have done something wrong along the way, as though the blessing of marriage and a family has been withheld from you.  Is this why you feel that your hope has been delayed?  When your heart feels sick, you feel prone to become discouraged and depressed.  I know that prolonged waiting takes its toll on you.  Your eyes are constantly on the future, toward that unseen goal.  The unknown stretches out before you.  You cry out to Me and wonder if I hear you.  Take heart. I am with you always.  Let your longing be for Me.  Let Me be your First Love. Look to Me always.  Let the pain of wondering cause you to consider the everyday joys I have placed before you.  If you begin to doubt, remember this truth:

You are my child. I am pleased with you. I see the way you love those around you.  I notice the way you are turning your heart toward Me.  I am preparing you for the next moments.  Trust Me for the future.  I hold your hope, and I will not disappoint you.  Look up to Me.  When your heart grows faint, let Me hold you so that you can become strong again.  Hide your heart in the truth of My word and My thoughts of you. Your joy is in Me.  Hold your head high, My daughter.  Let Me be your healer."  

Sincerely, the Keeper of your Hopes and Dreams <3

I am now on the "other side". Yet I distinctly remember that delicate and vulnerable time of life as if it were yesterday. I have been married for almost 8 years now. If you ask my husband, he will tell you the story of how I fought God's plan for us even in those early years before marriage. Don't get me wrong. I longed for a husband, a home, and a family of my own, but I often held very tightly to my own hopes and dreams for how I thought love would come to be.  I tried to limit God. I ignorantly determined that I could control how and when He would choose to bring my husband to me.  My hope was often deferred, but I am so thankful that God reminds me time and again, even now, to turn my gaze toward His, learn from Him, and become the woman He is calling me to be in my moments. My hope still becomes "deferred" or "delayed" in different ways. God is saying to me, even as I am married and have 3 young children of my own, to be patient, relax, and enjoy this stage.  Life goes by in the blink of an eye.  Compared to eternity, what is this life really but a vapor?

"Yet you do know know what your life will be like tomorrow.

You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away."

~James 4:14~

Whether married or single, let's learn together to make our moments count.  There is joy in the journey!!

Love, Rebecca

I Will Lift My Eyes

Sometimes I look down. I forget God's promises to me.  I allow the Enemy to tell me that I cannot do something or accomplish a task.  I grow weary.  My children need my attention, even when I am not feeling well. I want to rest.  God sends just the right help when we need it most, doesn't He?  When my mother-in-law came over today, she brought a pan of lasagna, her listening ear, and eyes that chose to look up even as I told her to step on the pile of dirty laundry that was on the floor, waiting to be sorted and washed.  She saw the needs.  She saw, loved, and accepted ME. As she sat and folded my clean clothes and watched my kids so that I could take an uninterrupted bath, I remembered that life is so much more than the worries and wondering.  It is about trusting Him for each moment. Realizing that it is not a coincidence that the verses I have been thinking about "show up" in a message at church on Sunday, that maybe getting sick and being at home unexpectedly to recover is really a chance to slow down, rest,  and reflect. I was even blessed by 2 high school girls that came over this evening, played with my kids, and gave me a few moments of peace.  I may not have been receptive to that blessing had I not been willing to remember this truth:

I lift up my eyes to the hills—

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

~Psalm 121:1-2~

~ Looking Up ~

He often brings help in the most unexpected ways.  Today was such a great example of that! I wrote in a previous post about laying my palms open, expecting joy, forgetting that holding my fist tight is such a normal response, that I will have to train my mind to ask God to renew me, to change me from within. That when we seek God, the Enemy of our souls presses back hard against us. Do you ever feel like giving up the fight? In lifting up my eyes, I am reminded tonight that God is my Healer.  Have you considered that in your situation?  That He is more than enough for you?  That as you lift up your eyes, He hears you and cares deeply about what you are going through!  I was reading the parable of the Sower tonight, found in Matthew 13.  Verses 14-15 caught my eye.

“‘You will be ever hearing but never understanding;

    you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.

 

For this people’s heart has become calloused;

    they hardly hear with their ears,

    and they have closed their eyes.

Otherwise they might see with their eyes,

    hear with their ears,

    understand with their hearts

and turn, and I would heal them.’

If I see with my eyes, hear with my ears, and understand with my heart, and TURN toward my Savior, He will Heal me.  What a profound truth. My heart sometimes becomes calloused. How about yours? I considered that this evening, even as my 2 year old came over to me.  In a rare moment of stillness, she sat with me and turned the board book pages of her children's Bible as I felt like a child myself at the feet of Jesus, reading this story. I think it can become easy to fall into a mode where our hearts do become hardened to the truth.  Life circumstances cause us not to "hear" truth as readily and softly accept it as we did before.  I pray for ready soil, an open heart, and a life ready to learn what God has for me in my moments.  Join me? <3

Be Renewed

Just for today, choose to renew your mind. Clear away the negative thoughts and focus on who you are in Me. Reflect on this verse:

"but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint."

~Isaiah 40:31~

Guard Your Affections

"Above all else, guard your affections. For they influence everything else in your life."

~Proverbs 4:23~

My Child,

I see you there, in the midst of your piles of laundry, dishes, folded clothes not yet put away, piles of things you hoped to organize yet shoved in a dark corner of the room. Feelings of inadequacy threaten to drown out the promise of a day filled with hope, light, and victory.  The main message I am whispering to your soul today:

I am real, I am here. Invite me to come. I will work with you. I will help you today. You can't face this day on your own. Come to Me. I know you are weary. I know how you beat yourself down while seeing the good in others.  Your heart is sincere.  Give it to Me. You can trust Me.

Love again and always, Your Healer

Look To Me

My Daughter,

Look up to Me.  There are so many things competing for your attention today.  Seek Me first.  Include Me in every detail of your life.  Hanson eating peaches for the first time, Hannah and Hailey going up and down the slide, turning your face toward the sun and just being at peace, those are all gifts from Me.  Let me deliver you from your fears. Right now, this moment, is where I am. I am with you always.

Love, Your Lord <3

"I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame."

~Psalm 34:4-5~

Always My Girl

I am going to write out some messages God is speaking to me, daily when possible!  Here's one for today:

Beloved,
Lift up your head.  You are My girl.  I love you dearly.  Nothing can separate you from My love (Romans 8:38-39).  Do not fear (2 Timothy 1:7).  No matter what you feel or think about yourself, you can always count on Me (John 16:33).  You will ALWAYS be My girl (Isaiah 43:2).  
Love, Your Maker

A song of praise from the past!! 
Lifter of my head!!
Hallelujah!  Hallelujah! You're the lifter of my head!!!

"He must become greater; I must become less."

~ John 3:30 ~

A Stone of Remembrance - Faith

This very day is a milestone for me.  Let me take you back to February 6, 1998.  For as long as I can remember, God has been a part of my life. I grew up going to church, hearing the Bible stories in Sunday School, memorizing the verses, praying at meals and bed time. I always wanted it to be more than mere ritual. It would be this very day that would serve as a pivotal turning point in my life.  As I considered what to write in this post, I thought back to the Old Testament.  God's chosen people had just crossed the Jordan River into the Promised Land  (Check out Joshua 4 when you get a chance.). I love this explanation of the concept, taken from Our Daily Bread:

"The Israelites of Joshua’s day placed “stones of remembrance” by the Jordan River. They were to remind their children of the remarkable providence of God as He guided His chosen people into the land of promise.

Like those stones, the statements I penned in my Bible long ago keep calling me back to important truths. They recall my own journey from childhood to the present as God has directed me through His Word to know His will.

What reminders from the past protect your heart, guide your steps, and occupy your mind? Thank God today for the great truths of the Bible that keep calling you closer to Him. Consider them your stones of remembrance."

My "stone of remembrance" for today is the moment I realized that I wanted to completely surrender my will to God.  I wanted my faith to become my own.  I remember sitting there in the gym that afternoon.  I was a sophomore in high school, just shy of my 16th birthday, my whole future stretching out before me like a new canvas waiting for each precious brush stroke of color and form.  The possibilities seemed endless. God had started getting my attention the year before, when I read Max Lucado's When God Whispers Your Name. Check out this link to part of chapter 11 here:

When God Whispers Your Name

I love the concept of choice. I have a choice about what kind of a day I will have.  Will I choose faith and freedom, or will I fall into fear and worry?  Do you ever sense that you were made for more than this life?  That you have a purpose in your days greater than you could ever imagine?  I have felt that way, longed for it most of my life.  I remember reading that book, wanting so much to live out those truths, even in the simple every day moments of life.

There, in that gym, at the youth rally, 15 years ago today, I heard God whispering my name. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears that afternoon.  Two guys had come to talk to our group of teens about renewing our first love.  Check out this link to one of my favorite songs by a group called Avalon.

Avalon -First Love

They talked about how they had known about God their whole lives, but had never fully surrendered to His will.  They wondered if any of us felt the same way.  I looked around nervously that day.  I wondered what my peers would think of me.  They already knew I loved God, right?  What did that mean? How was I living that out?  Was I willing to fully surrender my will?  To allow Him to pick me up when I fall, to stop trying to plow through life in my own strength? I am so thankful that I was.  I raised my hand that day, prayed for God to remind me of the truths of His word and His will, committed to following after Him wholeheartedly, one step at a time.  I walked down to the front that day, spoke into the microphone, that I was renewing my faith in God and willing for Him to work in my life.  No halo appeared around my head that day.  No magical potion or chant was recited.  I do know that a life, mine, was changed, a path was turned toward the Light.  

Stones of Remembrance...always adding!

In honor of this milestone, I pick up this stone of remembrance, this faith that I cling to more than the air I breathe.  I offer it up gratefully. Thank You, Father, for rescuing me, for bringing me to this place!  I never dreamed that when You called me down to that gym floor this day so long ago, that you would have such great plans for my life.  That I would move all the way across the country to raise a family and a new legacy of truth for my little ones.  Thank you for my husband, who walks alongside me, takes my hand, and journeys with me even through the tough days when I stumble and fall.  I came across some truths several years back that I like to read. They help me start my days sometimes, when the weight of the world presses heavy.  I am going to share 15 of them with you today:

1. Just for today I will take time to remember that I have blessings untold.

2. Just for today I will try to lend a helping hand to someone who is broken.

3. Just for today I will let my spirit heal.

4. Just for today I will embrace time as if there is no tomorrow.

5. Just for today I will let my mind believe the impossible. 

6. Just for today I will not lean on my own understanding but rely on God's Wisdom.

7. Just for today I will remember that I have everything I need and many things I want.

8. Just for today I will forgive and forget so that I can be forgiven.

9. Just for today I will not complain about my trials. They are for growing and learning.

10. Just for today I will tell someone I love them.

11. Just for today I will not be discouraged.

12. Just for today I will try to give my mind more strength and knowledge.

13. Just for today I will try to accept where I am, and not try to adjust everything to what I want.

14. Just for today I will not let myself become overwhelmed.

15. Just for today I will accept what life brings, though I may not understand, because I know that God has a plan.

I want to close with one more song link.  I listened to the group Avalon a lot in high school.  There was one song in particular about dreams.  I have always wanted to open my hands and allow God's dreams to become my own, not clutching too tightly to my own.  This song expresses that truth beautifully!  Keep adding to your stones of remembrance! I would love to read some of yours if you want to leave them in the comments! Our dreams are safe with Him! No matter who you are or where you have been in life....He's whispering your name, too! <3

Avalon - Dreams I Dream For You

Reaching Up

"You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into 

song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands."

~Isaiah 55:12~

I have not always been a fan of the winter season. Having grown up in south Florida, I was always used to hot, hotter, warm, and semi-cool.  The concept of changing seasons still feels fairly new to me.  I have to admit that when we drive over the pass from Eastern Washington back home on Labor Day weekend, I cringe a little, dig in my toes, wishing to grasp for that last bit of warmth and willing it to linger for just a bit longer.  Even as I sighed and got out the winter coat, trading the tank tops and shorts for sweaters and cords, I noticed something different this year.  Maybe it is because my 3rd baby and first son was born the day before Fall officially began.  Maybe it was this photo reminder that next week as we settled in to life as a family of 5.

That even though the winter chill would soon be setting in...the trees were not dying, even as the last fall leaves fell to the ground.  They were simply going into a season of rest, of peace, so that in the spring time, something new would indeed be born.  

We have had some particularly crisp, beautiful sunsets in the northwest this winter.  I started writing in a thankful journal last month, jotting down small blessings from the day that I can think about.  It is amazing how it has drawn me into so much more joy and thankfulness. Even as I was driving home one evening at dusk, thanking God for the beauty of the sunset, the bright pink colors mixed with orange against a blue sky, and those pale white wispy clouds.  It was then that I rounded a corner, and I saw it. It almost took my breath away.  Could it have been there all along, these 8 winters I have lived here, and I am only just now noticing?  Bare winter branches against a sunlit sky looked like they were REACHING UP toward heaven.  I wanted to stop time, to stare at that image forever, that even the creation lifts high to praise God.  That simple truth has held me.  The simplicity is astounding to me.  I am held together by a God who pays attention to details.  Even in the bleak of winter, we have blessings to be thankful for. That even when we fail and fall, when our shortcomings seem to be so glaringly obvious, those trees are still reaching up, reminding us that we have a Father who will not let us go. <3

Palms Open - New Beginnings

I have been thinking a lot lately about real and authentic living.  What if we chose to truly live with palms open, arms outstretched, not worrying so much and clenching our fists tightly?  I have done the latter most of my life. What about you? I have often blamed it on my family.....telling myself that I come from a long line of worriers on both sides.  Offering up these excuses still leaves me white-knuckled and fists clenched.

Is this really the way I want to live?  I have been reflecting so much these last few weeks especially.  The end of January marked the 8 year anniversary of my trek across the country from Florida to Washington....saying goodbye to my childhood and embarking on the journey of a lifetime.  Some called me crazy, others wished me well, but it was I who would have no idea that this journey would lead me closer to the Light than ever before. With fists clenched tightly, all I was left to do was to hold in my brokenness, unwilling to offer it up and live a life of freedom.  Have you ever found yourself there, my friend?  Wanting so badly for a new beginning, but hearing the call of the past or the lies of the enemy so deafening that you almost feel like covering your ears to shield yourself from the noise?

Reflecting on my first pregnancy, I remember myself lying in a hospital bed, plagued by nausea, anxiety, and panic, fists clenched tightly, wondering "God, where are you?? Please don't leave me now This is not what I thought it would be!!"  There is a song that speaks to me so clearly and I want to share it with you. In those moments of anger and frustration, when I would cry out to God that the life I had envisioned for myself was falling to pieces with each wave of panic, each bout of nausea, I would listen to an artist who calls herself Plumb.  I would play a simple hymn, a lullaby, over and over, called "God Will Take Care of You".  It would be 5 years later that I would hear this next song and remember...a gift, a blessing...a life saved...palms opened up to receive God's gifts and blessings in the ways that He would see fit....not in my own feeble understanding.

 I share that new song now with you.

Plumb - Need You Now


Could it be that the dreams we hold so tightly to are really not ours to hold?  That there are joys and blessings right in front of us, waiting for us to enjoy and be thankful for, even in the midst of such pain and grief?  I have a file in my email account that I titled "New Beginnings" years ago. In it I have written milestones of God's faithfulness since I started this journey toward new beginnings and a fresh start.

My New Beginnings ring

Out of that pain, God brought me such a gift in my oldest daughter, Hannah Marie, who will turn 5 this coming May.  She is full of life and energy.

My sweet Hannah Marie and me

So what do you say to the friend who has lost her little one just hours or days after giving birth?  The friend who tells you she has had a miscarriage....what do you say?  How do you live with palms outstretched instead of fists clenched tightly?  To truly live out this verse:

"The Lord is my light and my salvation—

    whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the stronghold of my life—

    of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1 

I started reading a book by Ann Voskamp called "One Thousand Gifts".  It has honestly changed my life.  I read it over this past month at any spare moment I could find! In one chapter called "Empty to fill" that inspired my thinking on this topic, Ann shared from her heart. I am going to include some of my favorite parts: 

 "I see right through to what I am. Only self can kill joy.....

joy is a flame that glimmers only in the palm of the open and humble hand. In an open and humble palm, released and surrendered to receive, light dances, flickers happy. The moment the hand is clenched tight, fingers all pointing toward self and rights and demands, joy is snuffed out. 

Anger is the lid that suffocates joy until she lies limp, lifeless...pride, mine--that beast that pulls on the mask of anger--- this is what snaps the hand shut, crushes joy...dare I ask what I think I deserve? A life of material comfort? A life free of all trials, all hardship, all suffering? A life with no discomfort, no inconveniences? Are there times that a sense of entitlement--expectations--is what inflates self, detonates anger, offends God, extinguishes joy?.... I can feel it tight: I'm responding miserably to the gift of this moment. In fact, I'm refusing it. Proudly refusing to accept this moment, dismissing it as no gift at all, I refuse God...Why is this eucharisteo (a word meaning joy, thanksgiving in all things) always so hard?...I had thought joy's flame needed protecting...these angers...this desire to control, I had thought I had to snap the hand closed to shield joy's fragile frame from the blasts. In a storm of struggles, I had tried to control the elements, clasp the fist tight so as to protect self and happiness. But palms curled into protective fists fill with darkness. ..My own wild desire to protect my joy at all costs is the exact force that kills my joy. Flames need oxygen to light. Flames need a bit of wind....humbly let go. Let go of trying to do, let go of trying to control...let go of my own way, let go of my own fears. Let God blow His wind, His trials, oxygen for joy's fire. Leave the hand open and be. Be at peace. Bend the knee and be small and let God give what God chooses to give because He only gives love and whisper surprised thanks.This is the fuel for joy's flame. Fullness of joy is discovered only in the emptying of will..I am empty because I am full of His love. I can trust. I can let go....joy--it's always obedience." -Ann Voskamp writes almost daily at www.aholyexperience.com

This is my journey. I am willing to be open. I am counting the simple joys these days...palms outstretched, willing for God to use my story to encourage you as so many have done for me.  Thanks to those who have encouraged and inspired me along the way, who have stood in the gap when I did not have the strength or the courage to stand on my own.  To my Father who loves me enough not to shield me always from the pain of this life, but to hold my hand, sometimes scoop me up, and walk me through it.  This one's for You. <3

A Love Letter from your King

Today's encouragement is for every girl and woman who has ever struggled or is struggling with her identity. May we learn together to be deeply rooted and grounded in our faith in God our Savior, not in this crazy world around us.

A friend let me borrow a really neat book. It reminds me of Jesus Calling, except it does not have a date at the top of each entry. This book is called His Princess: Love Letters from your King, by Sheri Rose Shepherd.  It is filled with love letters from our Father. I was drawn today to this entry, mostly because I saw some of my key words of "light" and "shine".  I wish I could sit across from you, listen to your story, share some of mine, and pray with you! For now, this letter is for you, as if coming directly from the throne room of our Father. He's willing to sit with you and  me. He is our King, and we are His precious daughters, princesses extraordinaire!!  Let's believe it deep within our hearts! This one's for you. <3

"You are the light of the world, like a city on a mountain, glowing in the night for all to see. Don't hide your light under a basket! Instead, put it on a stand and let it shine for all."  

~Matthew 5:14-15~

My princess . . . be My light for the world today. 

I stepped into your darkness so you would shine for Me. Did you know that I have empowered you to light up the lives of everyone around you? You are My light to the world. So walk with Me, and let Me illuminate your life today with My love and My power. Look to Me, and I will make you the bright spot in someone's darkness today. 

Don't hide your light beneath your uncertainties and insecurities.

Spend more time with Me and I will make you glow with a godliness that's irresistible. If you will let Me, I'll make you shine in such a way that you will be My star that points to heaven and brings hope to the hurting.

Love, your King and True Light of the world <3